Part 2: The “How Do We Feel” Conversation.

A while back, we shared our first blog post on the book Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg. It focused on Part 1: The What’s This Really About Conversation. Here are our thoughts on Part 2: The How Do We Feel Conversation.

Duhigg tells us that every conversation is, in some way, about how we feel.

Every conversation is shaped by emotions.

So, no matter what you’re trying to achieve, the “how we feel” component is essential.

Why should we be emotional Supercommunicators?

Duhigg explains that emotional intelligence is a “form of social intelligence that involves the ability to monitor one’s own and others’ feelings and emotions.” This type of intelligence allows us to:

• Recognize and name our own emotions.
• Regulate our emotions and influence the emotions of those around us.
• Employ perspective-taking.
• Build relationships with colleagues.
• Use our emotional skills to grow.

Lest we think this is all too “touchy feely” for work, Duhigg weaves together lessons, significant research studies, and impactful case studies from the past 40+ years to demonstrate the importance and impact of these skills.  A few examples:

1. Ahead of the international space station launch, NASA worked to redefine the criteria for “what makes a good astronaut” to include emotional intelligence.
2. A University of Chicago psychology professor taught listening and vulnerability skills at a conference of Wall Street and hedge fund professionals.
3. A group of civic organizations brought opposing sides of the gun control debate to explore how to connect during conflict.

These examples get professionals past small talk, technical expertise, and who shouts the loudest or shames the greatest, and teaches them to meet in the right place to connect with others and do their best work.

Are you an emotional Supercommunicator?

• Do you ask deep questions? Remember to ask questions that:
  • Draw out someone’s values, beliefs, judgments, or experiences, not just facts.
  • Invite people to talk about how they feel, describe specific emotions, or empathize.

• Do you listen? Confirm your understanding by restating what you’ve heard. And remember, showing that you understand doesn’t mean you agree.
• Are you fostering reciprocity? As others share their vulnerabilities, share something about yourself as well. Acknowledge the other person’s emotions and show them you care. Respond to the other’s needs.
• Do you make room for laughter? Lighten up! Laughter shows we have heard the other person and that we want to connect with them. Duhigg says, “Laughter, and other nonlinguistic expressions such as gasps and sighs, or smiles and frowns, are embodiments of the matching principle…”
• How good are you at interpreting nonverbals? Duhigg says Supercommunicators are good at detecting how others feel based on the energy in their gestures, the volume of their voices, the speed and cadence of their speech, and the affect they carry.
• Are you making conversations psychologically safe? Show genuine interest and listen actively. The safer someone feels, the more they are willing to trust, share, and reveal vulnerabilities.

How do Supercommunicators handle tough conversations?

Becoming a Supercommunicator doesn’t guarantee conflict-free, comfortable communication. It doesn’t promise a newfound ease with disagreements. Rather, we approach conflict differently:

• Shift the goal to understanding why the conflict exists, rather than focusing on winning or wounding.
• Recognize that the conflict has multiple parts: the surface issue at the center of the disagreement, and the emotional conflict underneath.
• Reframe the idea of control. Rather than controlling the other person, focus on controlling yourself: your impact on the setting and your focus in the conversation.
• Make room for emotion. Emotions are there, whether or not you choose to acknowledge and use them. If you don’t, they “leak out” and have unintended effects on your conversations and relationships.

Supercommunicating is aptly named. It really is a superpower you can deploy in any social or professional situation. It’s about knowing what kind of conversation is happening, how the participants are feeling, and how to draw out what really matters to all involved.

Are you a super communicator? No? Are you familiar with Supercommunicators by Charles Duhigg? No?! This best-selling book is our latest book club pick. All of us at Emerson Human Capital are reading it, section by section, and meeting to discuss our takeaways.

As consultants in the world of Learning & Development and Change Management, we have to be good listeners and ask thoughtful, appropriate questions. It’s how we ensure we deliver on the real needs of our clients. So, we’d like to think we are already super communicators – but are we?

Here’s what we’ve learned so far by reading and discussing the book.

A Few Key Ideas

Three Types of Conversations

Duhigg organizes his book around three main types of conversations:

1. What is this really about?
2. How do we feel?
3. Who are we?

Understanding the answers to each of these questions ensures participants are engaging in the same type of conversation.

Think about how often you or your team have jumped into a discussion out of habit or urgency (with or without an agenda), only to walk away wondering, “What just happened?” or feeling that you didn’t get your needs met. Recognizing and acknowledging the type of conversation helps avoid confusion and inefficiency.

Four Rules of a Learning Conversation

1. Pay attention to what kind of conversation is happening.
2. Share your goals and ask what others are seeking.
3. Ask about others’ feelings and share your own.
4. Explore whether identities are important to this discussion.

Quiet Negotiations

Duhigg tells us, “Within every conversation there is a quiet negotiation, where the prize is not winning, but rather determining what everyone wants, so that something meaningful can occur.” This quiet negotiation focuses both on what everyone wants and on the rules for making decisions together. He frames negotiation as a “subtle give-and-take” to ensure everyone wins, rather than the more common understanding of negotiation as a zero-sum game.

Neural Entrainment

It seems at our cores, Emersonians are kind of nerds. One of our loves is neuroscience. So, imagine our fascination when Duhigg introduced the concept of “neural entrainment.” He says, “At the heart of every conversation is the potential for neural synchronization,” which is an alignment between speaker and listener that is a key to the effectiveness of the communication.

Our Questions and Challenges

Sharing to Connect vs. Shifting Focus

At Emerson, we love to use the power of storytelling. Duhigg uses real-life stories to teach his concepts. Early in the book, he describes how a CIA agent learned to build and recruit key resources through sharing personal feelings and vulnerabilities.

When our team met, we paused to debate this further. After all, it seems every active listening principle tells us to keep the focus on the speaker and not grab the spotlight. We were left wondering how these concepts peacefully co-existed. (Spoiler alert: Duhigg dives into this further in section two of his book.)

The Post-Pandemic Problem

How do we overcome the challenges of connecting in a post-pandemic, more remote culture? Supercommunicating is about connecting. However, to our team it feels even harder than ever to make connections. One of us said, “Things seem so much more transactional.”

We had a few ideas to help overcome this challenge:

• Go to meetings a bit earlier and chat with those early to join.
• Turn your cameras on. See and be seen.
• Use humor. Share laughs, person to person. Be human together.

Manipulation?

Duhigg uses a case study to demonstrate the concepts of super communicating. The example is based on a jury in deliberations. As we read how one jury member applied super communicating principles, we could see how the minds of other jurors were changed.

We wondered whether supercommunicating was simply a form of masterful manipulation. As we talked, we decided it’s more about drawing out what really matters to other people — uncovering what they value and want. Duhigg helps us see past a “zero sum game” to a negotiation experience in which the pie gets bigger and everyone wins.

Simple Ways We’re Becoming Super Communicators

Get past: “I have an agenda and I need to get X, Y, and Z out of this meeting.” This doesn’t create strong relationships. Let go of your agenda and thoughts and be mindful and present, so you can actually read the people and what they need. It is important to get to the objective, but strong connections better in long-run for project.

Ask upfront: “What do you want to get out of this meeting? Use this with internal teams and with clients. Co-create a plan for the agenda. Even start with yourself to prepare for conversations. Duhigg suggests answering these questions first:

• What are two topics you most want to discuss?
• What is one thing you hope to say that shows what you want to talk about?
• What is one question you will ask that reveals what others want?

Adopt: Help, Hear, Hug? Clarifying the conversation means recognizing what each participant needs. As Duhigg says, “Different needs require different types of communication, and those different kinds of interaction – helping, hugging, hearing – each correspond to a different kind of conversation.” Is it a practical conversation (helped)? Emotional (hugged)? Or social (heard)?

Establish the shared language to help define what kind of conversation is really happening. Get aligned right away. As our team said, “Why not? That way, we’re having the same conversation!”

Intrigued by some of these concepts? Stay tuned for Are You a Super Communicator? Part 2 to find out what we learned from the rest of the book.

Consider a multi-directional development model.

In the consulting world—and certainly not limited to this field—it is all too common for organizations to adopt a “move up or move out” culture. In other words, individuals must get themselves promoted to a higher rung of the org chart; if they’re not promoted within a pre-set timeframe, they’re considered unredeemable or fired.

In its worst form, it is survival of the fittest. In its best form, it operationalizes a growth mindset, supporting individuals as they develop and advance along their chosen career path.

But is “up or out” the only direction?

What about side-to-side? Or even forward and back? Does your organization have a plan for someone to opt out of an “upward” path? Can they do so with emotional and professional safety?

When Trish Emerson founded Emerson Human Capital Consulting, she knew firsthand the up-or-out culture that many of us have experienced. She wanted to build an organization with a “multi-directional” culture.

As I consider how this has played out within Emerson, I can cite real examples of current team members who have moved “up” into leadership roles then “back” to more client-focused roles. Others have transitioned from full-time employees to contractors. Others are clients turned employees turned contractors. And still others have been contractors and then joined us as full-time employees.

Our philosophy—doing meaningful work with people we love—isn’t limited to linear career paths. We want those people we love—the talented, creative, relational, impactful people—to find a sweet spot where they can thrive. In turn, this nurtures the culture and the well-being of our overall organization by retaining team members in ways that allow them to be their best, high-performing selves.

I experienced this firsthand recently. I spent decades in up-or-out and “in order to grow you have to go (somewhere else)” career scenarios. A year ago, I accepted a promotion at Emerson. At the time, the role was new. There were aspects of the role presented to me that I knew I would love. Other aspects I knew would be challenging or less energizing than my other work.  We collectively agreed to try it; if it didn’t work, we’d figure it out. In other words, there was an “opt out” card on the table.

Over the course of the year, I found myself questioning whether this role was the right thing at the right time.

I decided to talk to Trish, our CEO, about shifting back to the role I had loved. I recently worked on a client project focused on empathy, belonging, and trust, so I was very tuned-in to these dynamics as I approached her to discuss what a move would mean.

How remarkable to be able to say, “She made it so easy!” She secured my sense of belonging by quickly confirming that all team members need to be in roles that help them thrive. She sees how that feeds the well-being of the organization. She empathized with the factors at play for me as a whole person – not just “Workplace Lisa.” She created psychological safety by allowing me to own the message about my decision – what got said, by whom, and when. And I had every reason to trust my employment was never at risk, nor did I sense there would be hidden political implications or surprise consequences. In fact, this decision doesn’t preclude me from future promotions.

What is your workplace culture like when it comes to career mobility?

Is “up” the only direction? Do you lose team members because they need to go to grow? Or do you have an opt-out path, framed in safety and belonging? Are there alternative paths that still reflect success and embrace an individual’s experiences, strengths, and skills? How do you make these options more than just words?

I’d love to hear from you. Use the form below to share your thoughts.

Do your design and delivery create the right environment?

Psychological safety is a hot topic in discussions about organizational culture. Moreover, business leaders seem to understand that safety, empathy, trust, and belonging are critical to the well-being of both employees and organizations.

Recently, I had the opportunity to develop a course on these four components of culture. Our client believed that teaching leaders how to foster empathy, belonging, psychological safety, and trust would improve employee engagement, retention, DEI, and civility issues, helping the organization achieve its goals.

But simply talking about these four components wasn’t enough.

We needed to demonstrate them throughout the entire learning experience. This meant choosing words, imagery, and a course structure that allowed our audience to feel safe and stay engaged while they worked through vulnerable and challenging topics.

How did we do this?

1. We chose language that avoided direct reference to gender identification, race or ethnicity, age, or disability status. For example, we would refer to “team members” and “supervisors” without specific demographic references.
2. We used stories to make the concepts relatable. Storytelling engages our minds and hearts. It taps into our capacity for empathy. We didn’t just want to teach about these concepts, we wanted the learners to experience them. For example, we used stories and scenarios that featured the “whole person” at work. We also used videos from recognized experts like Simon Sinek, who taught about trust through a story. We relied on powerful Ted Talks to teach about assumptions.
   

   We use “paper people” and stick figure imagery with no race, age, or gender.

3. We carefully selected visuals that were inclusive but not specific. What does this mean? For example, we used pictures of hands coming together in a group; the hands represented different skin tones and different genders. We avoided images with faces that might reinforce the assumptions our brains already create. We used “paper people” and stick figure imagery with no race, age, or gender.
4. We used visuals that were inclusive and specific. Sometimes we just needed to include faces. So, we made sure the faces in our imagery and case studies were representative of the team members in our client’s organization.
5. We called attention to our brains’ tendencies toward assumptions and biases. We made a lesson out of this very real human function, and then taught how awareness can help us set those stories aside to be replaced by openness, curiosity, and empathy.
6. We set a group agreement to protect confidentiality. We made it ok to share what participants learned in the workshop but agreed not to share what other participants said.
7. We started and ended with “your one word.” This workshop was delivered virtually, so we needed to intentionally build a sense of connection. We started with introductions that included name, team, location, and “your one word.” Each person shared a word to describe how they were feeling coming into the workshop that day. We heard everything from “excited” and “motivated” to “stretched” and vulnerable.”
8. We included group and individual activities. Not everything has to be shared to be learned. Particularly for topics like these, the learners needed time to reflect and apply at an individual level. They did this through self-assessments, confidence checks, and application activities focused on specific members of their teams. They also worked in groups on case studies so they could benefit from ideas and takeaways from their peers. Whenever appropriate, we did whole group debriefs so participants could benefit from different thinking and ideas.

Most importantly, we reviewed the concepts, the content, and the visuals with our client advisory team to make sure each aspect would land well. We had to check our own stories and assumptions about what would be effective and open ourselves to the feelings and experiences of the advisors. In other words, we had to practice what we were preaching in our own course.

Do your design and delivery create the right environment? Tell us about it using the form below.

Where do your company values show up? On the website or in the people?

I’ve always been interested in company values. When researching prospective new employers, I search websites for the values and how they are described. I ask about them in interviews. I hope there is something meaningful at the heart of the organization – yes, even for-profit private sector companies.

When I join an organization, I watch to see how these values are lived out by the organization. How do they show up in day-to-day life? Are they a common language we speak as employees? Do they guide the decision-making of leaders?

Sadly, the answer is often, “No.”

Many like me find that the values displayed on websites and office posters are missing from our daily work lives. For values-driven individuals this can be disillusioning. I’ve been there many times in my career.

When I approached Emerson, I was surprised to not find values listed on the website. It was the lack of a proverbial banner waving that caught my attention. In my first interview I asked, “What are Emerson’s values as an organization?” The long-time employee listed them, one by one, without missing a beat. He described them with examples.

I encountered them again during my offer process. The CFO tied values into our discussion about the compensation package. Now, as a team member myself, I’ve pitched in as the organization does the right thing for the right reason – calling on our values to guide those decisions.

Now I conduct interviews on behalf of Emerson. I ask potential candidates about their values, then proudly describe how values play out at Emerson. Each time I say, “You won’t find them on our website, you won’t see a banner in the home office; but they are very much part of our shared thinking, our decision-making, and our conversations with each other at all levels.”

This organization lives what it believes in.

We don’t use a bullhorn; we show values rather than tell others about them.

As other team members have come on board, I learned it wasn’t just me who was thrilled to find Emerson “as advertised.” I’ve reveled in hearing them say, “The values aren’t aspirational, they are actual.”